Systematic Chaos

Here we are,end of another week! A good feeling and time for some bevvies. Had another b/day yesterday, and I still think every year-what have I achieved in my life. Apart from the birth of 2 great kids-not much!! I have worked in a variety of jobs,and done my best to excel at all of them,yet seem unfulfilled yet. Do I want to keep doing this, or do something which will be more to my calling? I feel I have wasted my musical abilities-do I follow these and use them for good or evil hehe Or do I look another direction and study to help people more-in the fields of spirituality,healing or counselling which all hold attractions to me? At 41 ,I feel no closer to knowing my true calling then I did at 16....
On another note,I am anticipating seeing my beautiful girl again at Easter,and that keeps me propelled towards next weekend!! Yay!! And after that,the organising and stress that goes with moving again-to a new beginning with my gf. I feel sad for my daughter,whom I am leaving here,but know she is always taken care of,and that she will be visiting  and I will still get to see her smiling face and feel that connection I've had with her since she opened her eyes as a wee baby.Her mum spoils her too much-but I can see a sensitive,caring young woman emerging and it tugs at my heartstrings knowing all the growing up she has to do,and the resulting turmoils and triumphs she will be dealing with. I hope she never feels the sense of hopelessness and loneliness I did as a child growing up,growong up in a world still stuck in old fashioned ideals of how a boy should act and be,Granted she is a girl lol and will find it somewhat different!! But that in itself brings forth many challenges-But I feel she will be ok.
Life is what you make it they say-well I'm gonna make it happy!!! I will love my gf and create a new life-bringing a maturity that will overrun any previous challenges i"ve had in my relationships previously. And forge a new path of fulfillment and wellbeing-for both of us,by just working together and following our hearts.I can't wait to get started!!!

A mother had her forehead tattooed with the web address of a gambling site after auctioning off advertising space on her head to pay for her son's school fees.
Karolyne Smith with her Goldenpalace.com logo
Karolyne Smith has to live with a permanent billboard on her forehead after she accepted Goldenpalace.com's offer of $10,000 for the 'advertising space'. She needed the money to send her son Brady to a private school.

Karolyne said: ""I really want to do this. To everyone else, it seems like a stupid thing to do. To me, $10,000 is like a million dollars."

"I only live once and I'm doing it for my son. It's a small sacrifice to build a better future for my son."

Karolyne did not take the decision lightly. She discussed it for more than three weeks with her boyfriend Jeremy Williams.

Smith's eBay auction attracted more than 27,000 hits and 1,000 watchers. Bidding reached $999.99 before Goldenpalace.com, an Internet gambling company met Smith's $10,000 asking price. Goldenpalace.com also gave her another $5,000 for her trouble.

Another person, inspired by Karolyne is currently auctioning his forehead as ad space on ebay.

Just survived a weekend with my lovely daughter who is 12 going on 25.Well actually it was just saturday afternoon and sunday. Amongst watching the whole season of Summer Heights High,pillow fights that i lost and endless payouts i wound up feeling exhausted by Sunday night!!! It was good though and i'm happy she can be relaxed and be herself around dear old dad(as she keeps reminding me,in between pulling hairs off my nose with tweezers and commenting on my grey hairs popping up!)I have been talking to her about the move and she is showing interest in the new area my love and I will be living in and the various things we'll be able to do and see.And my gf has been posting songs on Facebook(as I have) that my daughter has shown great interest in and even requesting copies of said music and cd's. So I think after the initial sadness when I do leave she will be ok once she comes over and sees how happy we are and that she is always welcome to visit.And I thank my beautiful gf for being so accepting of her and understanding how important it is to keep the bonds we share. In many many ways my gf is such a beautiful person i can't comprehend how lucky I am to be with her and enjoy her warm loving presence in my life.:)

There was once an elderly, despondent woman in a nursing home. She wouldn't speak to anyone or request anything. She merely existed - rocking in her creaky old rocking chair.

The old woman didn't have many visitors. But every couple mornings, a concerned and wise young nurse would go into her room. She didn't try to speak or ask questions of the old lady. She simply pulled up another rocking chair beside the old woman and rocked with her.

Weeks or months later, the old woman finally spoke.

'Thank you,' she said. 'Thank you for rocking with me.'"

A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked. "Who would like this $20 bill?"

Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you - but first, let me do this."

He proceeded to crumple the 20 dollar note up. He then asked. "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.

"Well," he replied, "what if I do this?" He dropped it on the
ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?"

Still the hands went into the air.

"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No
matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless; but no matter what happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.

Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still
priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes, not in what we do or who we know, but by ...WHO WE ARE.

You are special - don't ever forget it."

Well,I've sent in a lease break form, which to me is a first step to a new life,with my lady whom i love very much. A bit of organizing,packing and by May will be off to new state and city for another direction in life. One i hope with more permanency and is sure to be a much happier life!!! While the excitement of it is overwhelming,in the background of my mind is always the fear of failure,which i try to push aside and think,no it will be ok!! New things always tend to get me in worry mode,but I just think how I feel when my gf is with me and worries just ebb away. Finding work worries me too-while I feel I'm a good worker,I don't want to be out of it for long. For financial and well being reasons. Above all this though i look forward to forging a new life with someone who see's things much the same as I do,similar likes and interests and just a total love of mutual things(and each other).This will be a first in my life,as i've always been struggling to fit in with partner's and their kids at times demands and expectations,leaving myself overworked and hollow quite often. My daughter will still visit,and it's important for her and me to maintain that close connection. But for me and my lovely gf,this is another step and a positive way to create that which we both want. A life together with much fun and experiences,and someone who will still hold hands with you when you are in your twilight years... YAY for new directions and chances in life-and for special people in it who mean so much to me,you know who you are :)

Yay!! Just had my lovely girlfriend over for the weekend,despite having to work grrrr. As always it was great seeing her and catching up on things,and just hanging out with each other.As always too I felt a big loss when she went home,as if half of me were missing!!! Well soon things will change and we can set about creating a life together which is something i've wanted with the right girl for a very long time.And she is the right one I feel-never have I felt so happy and at one with someone, and take great pleasure in the simple things. She has a fantastic view on the most important things in life-love,music,good food,simple pleasures(hehe)-and I can relate whole heartedly and enjoy any time I have with this woman, who has such a beautiful soul she awes me constantly! I feel blessed and very lucky,and hope this continues for years to come!!

A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself - to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart.
-- Leo F. Buscaglia

It has been a better week emotionally for me-although i miss her badly,knowing my girlfriend is visiting next weekend has reduced the lonely,sad feelings i get a lot these days. Until today haha watching Avatar triggered a major set of sad emotions,after which some sleep was required. My parents instilled the hold it all in,be brave attitude.This condemned me to holding emotions in most of my life,but the last 12 months or so has seen an awakening,where i can't hold them in any longer!! As a result i feel great highs and lows,which is new for me but very enriching for relationships-as I can say how i feel with a clear mind,knowing i'm not kidding myself or anyone else. In the past i've shown what i'm supposed to feel,or even not showed any at all coz i never knew what i was feeling!!!I do know I love my gf very much,and she has the benefit of me overcoming many years of confusing emotional maelstroms.And as we look to plan our lives together this can only help our relationship remain strong and real-and something to enjoy and nurture....

I had a quite normal sort of day,ordinary so to speak.Yet i became annoyed and perplexed at people's inability to have patience,or even think outside the square.I need to park sometimes where i can drag bins out to the road , to load onto truck.There is no other way to do this function without blocking the road, but people can go around the other way to get where do they want to go. So why do they insist on coming up behind the truck,just sitting there while i'm slaving away trying to ignore their dirty looks? And then the one who came up behind the truck and beeped at it while I wasn't even in it? I so wanted to jump in,put in reverse and stomp on the accelerator,demolishing the said cars front end and hopefully his arrogance and rudeness as well.Are we all becoming so impatient and rude? I know I don't like what its making me become-angry and frustrated!!! I try and be patient and calm but sometimes gees!!!! Get me out of here!!!!!